well first off, i just remembered why i registered and made myself a tumblr; because of the state of the art interwebbing. the reason why i deleted my tumblr, however, dawns on me. was it because of the constant one liners that often portrayed a single, or at times multiple, emotion(s)? or was it the meticulously edited photographs that depicted war, famine, scenic views, bicycle riding, and red balloons? was it the bloggers that just update their blogs with another new song and then psycho-blab about how they feel? i don't know. i think it was because i was trying to condense the menu down a bit... i felt like my cyber brain capacity had been infiltrated by tiny robotic ants (this reminds me of how i sometimes think that ants are indeed robots. no feelings. just robotics. bitter tasting robots) carrying waves of datum across the ever expanding cyberspace. i had to get rid of things i didn't need: three blogs. what can i say, people self-indulge. so having gmail left me with an easy decision. call me lazy, call me an asshole who abandoned the right side of her brain, call me whatever, but here's where i want strike one back: i was going to share an amazing song and have it play on here, but there's no simple way of doing so, unlike tumblr. so yes, it would've been nice if i could send out one extra little ant this time. just this once.
anyway, i've been doing a lot of reading. i'm halfway through with ken follett's the pillars of the earth. i've been reading this since winter break but since school started, i haven't had much time to enjoy it. i'll finish soon enough! i've been reading for my classes, and i've been reading the paper. i've been reading excerpts from old books and excerpts from new books. i just picked up the most recent issue of scientific american from magazine stand on my way to school the other day. all this reading, and i feel like i know nothing. the information retains, but what do i really know? how much is there to know? i thought by reading a lot, i'd catch up on all the information i missed out on while i was in high school wasting my life away being a bad student. reading was my form of redemption and it's gotten me no where.
When does redemption give you the feeling of being good? never? or do you approach it like you approach karma, if you strive for the benefits, then the means are not justified. well, we can dream up new faces and purple skies, but we can never think of enough metaphors to take us back to square one. suppose we don't need redemption, and what we need is the idea of a fresh start. the illusion that your life stays with its displacement, so when you're in a new place, it's like a newborn's first breath of air. how does one exactly begin? or better yet, how does one exactly keep going?
the winter cold reveals contempt and anger and loneliness, and after months of empirical analysis, i've come to the conclusion that sometimes the vacant warmth is only a glimpse away. strength comes in many forms. i've seen it collapse, and i've seen it rise in the same person. where did the idea of perfection come from? history has shown how strength can never be perpetual... it rises and sets like the sun and it hangs and it fades like the moon. why then, do we perceive of this unceasing strength and everlasting good? the beauty lies in the breakdown.
i feel heavy, heavy in my pace and in my stance. heavy in my breath. i feel relief, relief in my mind and relief in my flight. relief in my life. i feel big, like i have the power and influence to change the world, and however miniscule the change, other pieces will be affected. so when i'm feeling small, and when the world feels small to me, and when the sun feels small to me, and when the galaxy seems so insignificant in comparison to the moving fields of light and energy, and i feel like nothing i do matters, i think about change and how the little world can mean everything to another individual, and making the smallest change to one of the smallest planets, can give a very small person hope.
my dreams of saving the world are far fetched, but everyone is capable of doing so. the people that go on to better the world and better themselves and better the people around them are saving the world. so why can't we all just save the world?
so there it goes again. i'm going to chase the vacant warmth and catch it with my mouth, my eyes, my breath, my hands, my heart, wrap my limbs around it and let it go.
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