a weekend of splendor, possibly

this weekend should hold the most remarkable springtime weather. i want to fly kites and lay in green grass and feel the sea breeze. maybe i will do those things. i'm working all weekend, but i'm out by 4:30 on saturday and sunday, giving me a few hours of sunshine. in theory, sunshine is nice. but i remember complaining and cursing at the sun that one day when it was really nice. anyway, i'm going to be swallowed by a huge wave of work work and work this weekend. maybe i won't get to enjoy the pretty weather. i'm sick of thunderstorms.

the flames vs. blackhawks game was so intense last night. go flames!

so let's see, i've never used photoshop before. nor have i ever used final cut pro... even though i've had these two softwares just chillin' on my external hard drive for the longest time. why did i volunteer to be in charge of this project? why did i think i had the time for this? ugh. i hope this turns out the way i want it to. sometimes i don't think people are on the same page as me, so my humor is flat, beaten down, it dissolves into awkwardness and makes me self-conscious. up your par, tracy tran!

anyway, i got the fellowship. i'm ecstatic! i'm also growing my hair out a little. i think i compulsively cut it all the time. i mean, it's already short, but i just cut it a lot. i don't pay for haircuts. either i cut it myself or sara does it. maybe that's why i cut my hair so often. it's free! but forreal, i'm going to let it grow a bit.... back into a mullet. ha!

i've been holding a lot of things in retrospect, and i'll admit it, i haven't been the best friend or the best human being. i'm trying to change, but it's not even that. it's just my entire livelihood, the intensity gets to me. i'm afraid to be shunned by my peers, but at the same time, i don't give a rat's ass. i fear rejection. i get rejected quite often. i don't want a drastic change, i just want a subtle, but distinct change. there's an abundance of attributes that i can jot down and criticize or have criticized. and i often make lists, but i never comply. why is this so frustrating and so difficult? i mean, i saw the acceptance of the fellowship as another sign, another chance, something telling me to quit the bullshit and be serious about my future achievements. i can walk and talk like i got shit, but sometimes, i'm just walking and talking. i mean, how long do i have to mull it over and convince myself or find motivation. don't i have enough motivation to begin with?! new york city is so distracting! this is hard! i'm drained. when i'm 30, i'm going to look 40. i have sore limbs, but i have fun.

drug free for almost 9 months. holla.

peace and love,
tracy t