i was on the phone with my mom for two hours just catching up on things. we've never really had a close relationship. er, well yes we have, but we're not a family that talks about how we feel or what we think of each other. i've been trying to diagnose the problem, using the past to extrapolate or find some sort of defining evidence as to why we are the kind of family we are. we don't sit down at the table for dinner, and i don't go to my mom about problems or tell her about my problems. she doesn't know too much about me, or she knows more about me than i think she does. she is my mom, i should give her more credit. we've been more open with each other in the past year, but i am still not comfortable talking to her about a lot of things. it may be a language barrier since i cannot translate everything i want to say in chinese, nor can she understand every single word i say in english. she's been working so hard since we immigrated to the us and i guess she let me take care of myself at a young age. i remember never seeing her during the week. she'd leave before i woke up for school and she went to night school to learn english so she'd get home when i was asleep in bed.
anyway, we talked about a lot of things: marriage, having kids, teenagers acting up, religion, politics, the terrible economy, the great depression, investments and stocks, betty's boyfriend, the possibility of moving her and my dad to new york, my grandma, my 11 year old cousin who might have adhd, how she was a bad student growing up, and more. my mom is pretty funny. she has some jokes up her sleeves. she did inform me about my grandma having a stroke a week ago. she's okay and at home resting now. my grandma =/. i was never able to bond with her and we were never close. i always thought she secretly hated me. but i know she doesn't. cucumbers are essential in a lot of chinese dishes, but only the part without the seeds. my grandma cooked for everyone in the house and there was always a bowl of the insides of cucumbers in the fridge waiting for me when i got home from school. when my mom told me she had a stroke, i stopped breathing for a second. around christmas time, a few months ago, the whole family was scared because we thought my grandma had lung cancer. i was a bit depressed over that, especially because my cousin's grandma and my uncle had just passed away. i'm not someone who is open to affection and i don't remember when was the last time i saw them. i didn't go to either funerals.
i think my grandma's health is deteriorating, and i got very sentimental thinking about how she is home alone for most of the day. she'll call people when she's bored or she'll go out for walks or do household chores, but she's alone. i know she misses my grandpa and she has dreams about him still. she looks unhappy most of the time. she's lived without my grandpa for about 15 years now. my mom said she worries about my grandma all the time, but she's got to work. is that all that happens when we grow old? sitting in an empty house... thinking about the people we love and how they are gone or assuming they have no time for us... afraid of death and its close proximity... feeling comfortable when someone arrives home from school or work but feeling abandoned when they ignore us and carry on with their own duties... it's sad. my grandma is probably sad all the time, and everyone can see that she's afraid of dying. i just want to give her a big hug, and to be honest, i don't think i've ever hugged my grandma or will ever hug her.
i'm not exactly sure how to show my appreciation and love. my grandma is a very intriguing person and i hardly know anything about her. i think the nicest thing i've ever done for her was buying her one of those warm heating blankets because she gets cold at night very easily. the only other nice thing i've done for her was calling home one day during hs because i was out eating with my friends and i asked her if she wanted me to bring anything home for her. jeez, these are such crappy "nice" things. i'm going to california for four days in june and i want to do something really nice for her, but knowing me, i won't, and i'm going to regret it.
her space holiday - sleepy california
i apologized to my mom over the phone.
i was an angry and arrogant and hardheaded and difficult daughter in high school.
i also apologized for leaving home and not helping with the financial crisis.
i've been a terrible granddaughter and i've been ignoring my dad.
i've been pushing things aside. i've been abandoning people. it's no way to be a friend. i'm so sorry carly.
i can be so shitty and selfish sometimes.
and now, my feet are cold.
i'm also allergic to cheese. i think
peace,
t
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