There's a certain glow about the city limits

I feel like I try to compensate for the things I lack with things I don't need. I guess that happens with everyone, but how do you approach change in a way that is not pretentious or obnoxious? I'm feeling heavy- my body, fat with excitement and anxiety, gluttonous with greed and desire; my shoulders, broad but not enough, like a tilted painting on the wall wanting to be laid out flat on the ground and appreciated. There's a hint of danger with every decision I make and I always tell myself I'm making the right ones, but the birds are looking for new homes, and the subways are packed with attractive people wearing coats and scarves- it's not yet winter, but it feels like it, and the passing of timeless memories make me feel old, but too young to ever assume anything.

It snowed this morning. The air was still and the vacant fog laid out for us to walk through. The early sun walked along the paved streets, only to illuminate the sky with a pale white as the snowflakes flurried all around. It was not the first snow I saw this season. It snowed a few weeks ago. I was in Harlem and when I noticed the light, colorless specks in the air, I jumped with glee; as did the children walking home from school. I felt like a kid.

I don't know if you would call it stress. I gave myself this pressure. I've stacked all my responsibilities and now they are piled up around my bed, behind me as I trot down Myrtle Ave to get to school, on my sleeves after pushing away my heart, everywhere, and I don't know where to start.

I went to the Proposition 8 protest at city hall on Saturday. I was so happy the whole time. It IS the civil rights movement of our generation, and to see so many different people chanting and rallying for one cause... that gave me a peculiar feeling. There's always things we can't describe and when we try to put thoughts into words, we fail. So let's just keep it at that. Just a feeling and nothing else. I was shocked that Prop 8 passed. Really. I didn't expect it to at all. I guess I can't really be angry because I didn't vote. My ballots were lost amongst the love letters, apologies, postcards, bank statements, and I do blame the postal service, but there's really no one to blame. But to see so many beautiful people gathered all around, spreading love and peace for something they believe in- something that should be a choice and not a right, that was enough for me to forgive and forget it all. There were babies, young children, teenagers, adults, and the elderly standing with posters, with pride, with indignation, with sorrow, with love. How do you take away something that does not belong to you? I cannot stress it enough. Some signs were really funny. My favorites were "Love thy Gay-bor" and "Britney did it, why can't we?" and "We will not go silently into the night" and "Why don't we get to vote on your marriage". There were a lot more. I can't remember them. This fight will win, and it will just be another chapter in a history book.

My coworker made me tear up the other night. I hardly ever work with her and every single time I do, she asks me about being a teacher and she tells me about her kids. Even with her broken English, and my terrible Spanish, we're able to communicate, maybe not through words, but through emotion and understanding. She asked me if I want kids. She has four herself and she told me about each of them. She works two jobs, takes English lessons at Hunter, and still tries to help her kids with their homework even though she doesn't understand herself. I asked her how she's able to function properly, and how she's able to wake up everyday, not feeling fatigued or overwhelmed. She simple said, "I love my life. I have four kids! They love me."

My mom once told me that there's is not stronger love than the one between a mother and her child(ren), and that kids would never love their parents more than their parents love them. That's sad, but true. I love my mom. I love her so much, and I can't even begin to fathom how much she loves me and Betty. And that is something I wish I could express to my mom.

There are just no words. Sometimes I'll try to write it down so maybe I can say it out loud, but there are just no words; the mundane strife between friends and lovers, the weary routine played out day to day, the very basis of our existence and trying to find reason or meaning or trying to leave footprints in a world that will soon forget you, or soon be forgotten. It doesn't budge if you force it, and I think I've been pushing too hard; passively asserting it on people. "It" being the very thing I cannot describe; taboo to even myself. Maybe one day when I realize that the coast is never the same, or that the stars shift positions in the sky, or that the swan has left the lonely pond, or that the butcher's fingers have been accidentally chopped off, maybe then I can let it go. But for now the trees will shed it's skin as we shed our beauty and the sparrow will come back to build its nests.

I just want to say, that I just threw a tampon across the room so that the cat would leave me alone. He hates me. And now he's playing with my tampon. What the fuck, he threw it in the air and when it landed, he jolted up the stairs. This cat is crazy. I hate cats now.

Homework time.
Peace.