I was kidnapped real young by the sweet taste of love, built a fondness for things that just weren't good enough

It rained today. Not like last week's hurricane that didn't seem to end, but a light drizzle. The streets were wet. The street lights reflected off of them and I must say, it was awesome indeed. A friend once told me to take off my glasses while she was driving so I could see the reflected streets lights in a blur. Doing that is New York is even better due to the addition of tall building lights on a Friday night and also being able to feel so alive amidst so many people. I feel like all I do is talk about how great New York is. Let's talk about where I am from- er, let's not because that would be Vietnam... something I have no memory of. I'm not even Vietnamese. Well I guess I'm not from Vietnam, I was born there. So, California. I thought by now I'd miss things. I always wanted to leave, but I had a feeling I would miss what I hated, maybe perhaps a few things I might have taken for granted. No- not really. I miss my mom and my dad and Betty (even though she was here last month). I do miss cheap burritos though.

I need to get into the school mode. Or I will fail all my classes. I don't know. I keep telling myself to do things or to change, but I guess I'm not motivated enough. Well, school is very important for me at the moment and I keep saying school comes first, but my actions sure don't show it. I am home tonight though! I decided to come home after hanging out for a few hours after work. I convinced myself that if I came home, I'd do some schoolwork... that, apparently, is not happening. Anyway, the end of summer means awesome fall weather and tons of jackets and hoodies. It means goodbye to Colt 45 and goodbye to Hester (but Carly told me I'm Hester's godmother now and I partially own her- also, I'm at Carly's all the time; I slept there more than I slept at home in the past 7 days). It also means goodbye to young, reckless living and summer reading. I didn't get to read all the books I bought (two more to go: Guns, Germs, and Steel which I read bits and pieces of in high school and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn; I need to read that to be like every teenager who participated in New York City's public education system), but my stack of summer reading is quite high. I've recently stopped reading for leisure because I have to start reading for school. I'm supposed to read The Tenants of East Harlem for the Teacher Academy, but I haven't received it in the mail yet. East Harlem is the shit btw.

I think my tolerance went down. That is good news.

I had a really good conversation with my dad today. It was only a fifteen minute conversation, but I basically told him my plans for the next ten years. I think I've already mentioned this- plans. I hated plans in high school, but then again, I hated a lot of things in high school. With the rigorous routine I'm pursuing everyday, having plans is the only thing that keeps me sane... and a little stable- at least it seems like I'm a little more stable. Anyway, my dad backed me up all the way and he was very supporting. He didn't say it, but he implied how proud of me he was- something I wish my mom would do. All she does is worry and she misses the beautiful things.

The end of summer also means it's getting closer to winter, which means I will be returning home to California. It is quite expensive. I called my parents individually to see what they had to say or what they thought I should do. They told me to stay in New York... something I don't mind, but I don't want to spend the holidays alone. Er, well... friends will be here and I was never really a holiday person, but I just miss my family a lot. I think I'm even beginning to miss my grandma. She was always mean to me and she never really liked me. She liked Betty because she baby sat her. I grew up in LA until I was about 4 so I didn't need baby sitting by the time I went to live with my mom's side of the family. I was making garnishes at work, cucumbers+scallions, and I remembered how my grandma would save me the insides of the cucumber because she knew I liked them. I would come home from school and they would be in a container in the fridge. I haven't said this word in a really long time, but that was hella banging.

What else does the end of summer mean? I can't believe I'm still talking about the end of summer even though school started more than 3 weeks ago. I've only gone to my anthropology class once, and I feel terrible about that. And the one time I did show up, I forgot to sign the attendance sheet. My professor has the worst monotone in the world, and it just so happens that I have that class on Mondays and Thursdays. I have no idea why I was partying Sunday and Wednesday night...

Oh! I got new glasses for like 12 bucks. Either they are too small or my head is too big. They aren't too comfortable and I was used to not wearing glasses for 2 weeks. But I like them and they hide the dark bags under my eyes so people at work would stop bugging and people at school would stop bugging and professors would stop bugging.

I haven't had a dream in a while. Or I mean, I can't remember any of the dreams I've had recently. It would make sense if I haven't dreamed though, since I run on about 2-3 hours of sleep a day. Then on the weekends I get between 9-13. I'm in too much of a deep sleep to want to remember those frivolous dreams. I think it's impossible to fathom the extent of our ability to do what we want. That is why I loved working with children over the 07-08 school year. They were so vibrant and so happy and so grateful and so ambitious- I think we forget those things when we grow up. Trust me, you can do it. That goes for whoever cares enough to have braved through my bad grammar and bad writing and boring life and narcissistic narration and read to this line at this precise moment and I hope you feel awesome. (I think I got that from reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower because that fucked up kid kept writing letters telling the addressee how awesome he/she was.)

I think I'm in a better place than I was at the beginning of summer. I can't remember back that far, but I feel great right now- best I've felt since I turned into an adolescent teenager half a decade ago. Is being 19 still considered being a teenager? Well when you are 18, you're an "adult" but you still have the "teen" preventing you from sounding any older. "Young adult" maybe? Whatever. I can't believe you can join the army and fight and kill people or have someone kill you, but you can't sit down at a bar and have a beer- not like that is a problem in New York, but fuck that shit.

So goodbye summer. Hello everything else.