Buried in my yard, a letter to send to you

I was outside on a cigarette break. There were these girls from the "Carolinas" randomly interviewing students. It was a multicultural thing and they asked me about my Chinese background. I was a bit self-impressed by being able to answer all of the questions. I was hoping the issue of Tibet wouldn't come up (I had an hour long conversation with my mom about its independence, of course we didn't agree).

I don't know, religion is always a silly topic. They asked me why I do not believe in God, er, to quote them respectfully, "Why doesn't God play a role in your life?" I had to think about it, and I'm sure my answer confused them. I've never been one to express my thoughts verbally, intelligently, not that I want to be intellectual or smart, I just assumed they wanted a profound answer from this agnostic/atheist college student who has no direction in life. I went home and thought about religion. I've always disbanded it from my daily life, but I do remember speaking to "someone" one night. Maybe it was praying... I don't know. It was during winter break and I was at home, sitting outside of my house. I think I was waiting to be picked up by a friend or something, but I was staring at the sky and I suddenly started to impose questions to a supreme being?. I really don't know. I remember asking aloud, "If there is something other than planets and stars, tell me." Something like that. It was silly and I don't think I'll do it again. But that conversation I had with myself lasted a good ten minutes, since my friends are never on time.

I asked my mom why she took Buddhism so seriously. It turns out, she doesn't. I realized her religion was more of a philosophy; a mixture of Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, and Chinese folklore. It was rather interesting. I knew what she was going to say from there; something about it being a way of life, how to be a good person, etc. Isn't that what all religion is about? How to be a good person? It's really subjective. Then she started saying how Jesus isn't fair. Lol. "Fair". Since when is anything ever "fair". Well she said she believed in it because it allows her to understand what is right and what is wrong. Who is to say what's right? Society I guess. Plus, the drinking age should be lowered to at least 19.

I thought my nonchalant attitude came along with my immaturity and that agnostics were just indecisive human beings who cut themselves some slack because maybe if they believe there is a possibility that God exists, then they wouldn't get punished too much for not being completely skeptical. But mind you, I am a self-proclaimed agnostic. So therefore, I am talking about myself. However, living in New York for almost a year now, I've realized I am an atheist... because science rocks.

But if I ever find myself speaking to the sky again, would that still make me an atheist? Or am I just curious. Perhaps I need to stop reading books. I read Franny and Zooey three times and I'm sure that was the main reason why I was talking to a vacant creator/destroyer in the sky. And now, I'm reading a book where God floods the world once more, and angels are a part of everyday life, as well as magical green auras. Okay, I'm rambling and this obviously isn't interesting because I, myself am wondering when it will end.

On a good note: Hi Kim.