summertime is here. well, i have one more final, but i'm not too worried. i'm more stressed about about moving on sunday. i believe i am in a certain state of mind from which there is no cheerful smirk until gravity lets my soul run free. i'm practically acing all my classes, but i feel so stupid and so incompetent. i'm torn between what i want to do and what i like to do. shouldn't they be the same??? i'm torn between right and wrong, beautiful and true. my moral history has not prepared me to make important decisions! should i just render hope for the trial and error process? who the hell knows. well wasting time is losing time, and if i could, i'd hop on a plane to southern china and find myself an answer. soul searching is what i'm talking about! too bad soul searching is expensive. who would've known? well, i'm sure nyc has plenty of inexpensive soul searching activities for me in indulge in this summer. that i will do.
i guess my approach was wrong... it's always about approach. fuck the approach. fearless, no trepidation. yeah, right. there's always fear and there's always anxiety. if not, we'd find it easy to sleep at night. perhaps i'm just a child at heart. wanting to be free, but loving the security of a sheltered home. or perhaps i'm just an old geezer. already sick of the battles and glory, but clinging on to every last breath. i feel troubled... like a seventeen year old dying to sneak out of the house to score some booze and get shitfaced in a nearby park. can i still do that and not be judged?
the realm of science baffles my mind, and the leaders of yesterday annoying the shit out of me. this is why i feel stupid... because they won the war. basically, i can get amazing grades but be told i'm not good enough. not those specific words, but there are a bunch of different words that all mean the same thing: you are stupid. maybe i'm supposed to dedicate myself to one thing and excel in it. be a singular elitist? well where's the fun in that? i want to be a well-rounded individual because there are other things in the world that are more important than your six figure salary and the quantity of published science papers under your name. (not directed at anyone in particular)
well. i feel better. everything sounded much more offensive in my mind, i'm sure. my brain can spew out everything but the suiting words. who cares. this vent makes me feel a lot better!
the extension of winter's breeze is fleeting and we're pushed out in the open fields. it's time to dance.
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