I've been finding it hard to get up in the morning and take it all. Nights are uneasy as always and the dreams do not help. Not to mention Night (the cat) likes to urinate in my room and I often wake up in the middle of the night to find him sitting quietly with a deadly stare fixed upon mine. Scary creatures those felines are. To get back to the point... It's one thing to tell yourself to do better, to get your shit straight, to stop being a lazy motherfucking bum, and one thing to actually become the perfectly molded human being you desire to be.
I haven't been working for about 2 months now (I had 3 shifts when I got back to New York but that doesn't count). Everyday, I tell myself to cut loose of the unproductiveness and the slacker lifestyle that seems to encompass me and all that I know, but I haven't seen much change. If anyone spends an extended amount of time with me, they tend to find me repeating myself with stories and/or with a very stubborn/annoying attitude. I do not take pride in that. But sometimes I like to spend a lot of time with the same people and then I feel very drained and I don't like to talk or do things or go out.
I like to spend time alone... in my room.. er basement... and just sit there and waste time by not doing homework. I just sit and move around on my bed and listen to the laundry as it blends in with my iTunes and I stare at the ceiling imagining cool posters/lights/clocks/clothes/other awesome and intricate things that I can hang or put up there. I spend a lot of time on the computer surfing the interweb. I like to google random things and when I'm watching a movie on TV, I like to google the ending. It's a bad habit.
Last night, I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night and my nostrils were being very disobedient and when I went to the sink to blow my nose, I ended up in a tug-of-war competition with the inside of my nose. This is actually very disgusting but as I was initially trying to make a clear passageway for oxygen to enter, the snot felt rather thick so I went on to try and grip it with my fingers to pull out the damn thing, but the goo would not succumb to my power. So I resolved to using both hands (only 4 fingers though) to try to take that mofo out and I failed... miserably because I realized I had pulled it about 4 inches away from my nose and I was quite disgusted myself. I don't like being sick and I hate recovering from illness. Phlegm is one of my favorite words but coughing that shit up is not as pleasant.
Putting that aside, I think I overestimate my abilities to indulge in the lifestyle that I've created myself and the one I'm going to enter. I have the day off today and I wanted to spend it doing a lot of awesome stuff. First off, I'm going to find my way to Forbidden Planet again and see if they have the new volume of Scott Pilgrim that they were sold out of a few days ago. Then I will be going to Tracey and Reunet's party tonight. But that's not for a few more hours and I'd like to spend these hours alone reading or writing terrible music with my guitar but I have a chemistry lab to finish up and tons of geography shit to do. If I had a special talent or if I had a marketable skill or if I was good at something, I totally would not have gone to college. I would be going to parks with children in youth organizations and teaching them awesome stuff. I would be running up and down Manhattan fulfilling my day with more meaning than going to school to be bored and not retain any information that professors claim to be important. I would be reading or dancing or ice skating right now. Maybe even rollerblading.
I've been listening this pop/rock band from Australia. Well, I saw them in concert last year and I recently bought their cd on iTunes (yes, first cd I've bought since I was in middle school). The band's called An Horse and I really like their poppy sound. Here's an awesome song:
Company
And here's another one:
Camp Out
Sorry, one more:
Postcards
I remember mentioning the fact that I started reading The Hotel New Hampshire at the end of last summer and I couldn't find the will to finish it. Well I did. I don't know what came over me. I just picked it up and read it. Fantastic story. I'm glad I did. But I'm reading it again because I don't know what made me put the book down the first time. Also, I've started reading Y the Last Man comics. Quite intriguing. I'm turning 20 soon. Maybe I can finally let go of the "teen" years and finally be an adult. If you ask me, 20's the worst age. After 18, you're considered an adult but you really do not see the difference in your own mind set and then you turn 19 and realize you're still a teenager, but when you're 20 you aren't anymore but you're not 21 yet... not quite adult... and fuck maturity. That's a whole different story. Well maybe I'm generalizing something that isn't true.
Anyway, perhaps my early twenties will be of some significance. Until then, I have a lab to write up and some geography information to pick out of my memory.
Peace and a lot of love,
Tracy
2 comments:
it's hard to see the maturity that comes with age but it's usually there
i think i'm actually less mature now than when i was younger. i feel so selfish and i think my personality's getting uglier too. i think i reached my best at a young age and have nowhere to go but down, even though you know the person you'd like to be. iono, just doesn't happen.
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