I've tried to stay clean and sober for the past few months... I've failed. No worries.
So yesterday was my last day of work and now I feel like a heavy load has been lifted, but there's still no time to relax. With only two weeks of school left, I'm feeling more overwhelmed than ever before. I'm not exactly sure how much schoolwork or how much studying I have to do, but it's a lot. Just two more weeks, and I'll be home. This return home will be good for me. I can relax and perhaps grow back some normal colored hair. I can get some sleep and finally breathe. But I will miss New York.
At work yesterday, this family came in for dinner. They took forever to decide because the kids were just obnoxious as hell, but still very cute. I couldn't help but be aware of the Oedipus Complex at play. The two younger boys clung on to the mother as they were trying to put in a decisive word about which dumplings they wanted, and the older, probably 11 year old girl, loomed over her short father as they, together, decided which soup would better satisfy their taste buds. That reminded me of when I was younger, how I held on to my father's arms when he took me to buy my very first Super Nintendo, how I'd wait for him to come home from work so I could jump on his back and he'd wrestle me to his bed and pretend to be a Shaolin monk, waving his arms around to mimic the kung-fu artists. I ignored my mother growing up. She told me that I only allowed my dad to run around the house and feed me dinner. But as I am growing more mature, older, wiser (hopefully), I am more fond of my mother. I think I've figured it out. I guess girls want to feel protected, they want to feel like the person holding their hand is strong and brave- attributes my mother blatantly radiates in. Her courage and suffering surpasses the weaknesses of my father. She proves to be stronger than he is, a harder worker. Maybe that's way, but I love both of my parents. And they love me.
And we can learn to laugh and learn to play in the sand, but how do we learn to forget? I'm not sure if forgetting is the best thing to do, but how do you forgive someone without forgetting? It shouldn't be that hard. After talking to a few people, I'm not sure if I want to forget. I think that builds resolution, if resolution is what we thrive for. We can sit and smile at each other, face to face, but the darkness is imminent, hiding in the dusty corners as the cobwebs trap it silently, and even if the darkness prevails on one side, it prevails nonetheless, and the humble, oblivious hope on the other side can do nothing but shine it's light. But can't you see? The webs are thick- even after the homely arthropods have left their homes and their vacant souls, the webs are thick and they prevent the light from reaching it's victim. And after each remark, after each sentence, after each soft spoken confession, the phantom still hides in the dark of the mind of a swollen discretion.
Thirst... for blood and the weakness of others, or the compliance of others... or ginger ale.
I haven't slept, I spent all night working on some lab reports that weren't even due today! FML. I feel a slight faint coming my way... I see it running toward me on the unpaved roads as the weeds line up along the arable lands which have failed to be utilized and in the periphery of my vision, the black squiggly lines are running too. That's how I feel. I feel like a motherfucking chunk of arable land... a huge acre... not being utilized. Just grow some motherfucking trees... but she doesn't like to acknowledge the wilted organic matter decomposing on me, no, she just lets the weeds grow. And the dead beauty lies under the life absorbing monsters.
Anyway, pizza bagels!
Peace and Love,
No comments:
Post a Comment